Just for today, I will forgive myself. If I can't forgive myself, how can I forgive others. A counsellor asked me when I was 6 years sober, "Why haven't you forgiven yourself?" I replied, "I never thought to ask." I didn't think I was worthy. The old church tapes and tapes from my parents said I was a walking sin. Every step I took through my life I feared that God was going to strike me down, and if something bad happened, I deserved it.
I had to build a new relationship with my God, so I could walk in faith instead of fear. One Sunday, I went to church, took communion and said, "God that is my amend to you. I never went back to church. I have thought for the last year of going back, but like meetings, I just don't get out and about. Like today, my nights and days get turned around. I went to bed about 7 a.m. and woke up at 10 a.m., I made the decision to go back to bed because my feet were so badly swollen. I woke up at 4:50 p.m. having slept the day away. That is a lot of sleep for a person who never slept much. I am not sure if it was the new medication or just the healing I asked for in a meditation before I went to bed, after talking to my friend Sharon at 9 p.m. until 11 p.m.
I gave thanks for the sleep and the healing, because I didn't wake up with a head ache, and my feet aren't as so badly swollen. There was a part of me that felt guilty for sleeping the day away, and even though they say, "Your body must have needed it," I feel like it was a bad thing to do to sleep the day away even though it is raining. So now having expressed myself, now I can let it go. I missed lunch and my noon meds, so had two of the blueberry muffins when I woke up and now I have to figure out what is for dinner.
