Daily Humor

[bluidkiti]

My doctor said I was paranoid... well, he didn't actually say it, but I could tell he was thinking it.

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On Coast Guard Cutters, low-ranking crewmembers take turns in the galley helping the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes and spilling food.

One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow sheet-cake cooling on a counter. Determined to rectify past errors, the seaman made chocolate icing and carefully decorated the cake with it. The seaman stood proudly by the dessert as the head cook returned to the galley.

Frantically, the cook began to look around. "Where did my cornbread go?" he shouted.

[bluidkiti]

A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. "Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20."

"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord Himself walked."

"Well, at $50 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder He walked."

*****

Years ago, I was a big city boy preaching in a small country town. I wanted to learn everything "country" so that I could fit in. As I was searching for Widow Jones' farm, I got lost on the back roads. I saw a farmer walking into his barn so I stopped for directions.

He was just beginning to milk his cow but took time out to tell me how to get to the Jones' farm. "By the way, " I asked, "Do you know what time it is?" He leaned in to the udder of the cow and said, "12:30."

I started to leave but I just HAD to know. I told him, "Hey, I've just moved from the city and I really want to know the ways of the country. How could you tell what time it was?"

"Sit right here on this stool, son." I did.

"Now, grab hold of that udder." I did. (Before this, my closest experience to this was grabbing a milk carton).

"Now lean into the cow and lift up on the udder." I did.

"Lean over and look right over there on that wall. See that's a clock. When the little hand is on the 12..."

[bluidkiti]

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Ice Crispies.

[bluidkiti]

When a woman says, "What?" it's not because she didn't hear you.
She is giving you a chance to change what you said...

[bluidkiti]

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

[bluidkiti]

A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher decided to investigate.

"What's the problem, Carol? I hope it's not homework again."

"Well... yes, it is." replied Carol, reluctantly. "I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane."

"Carol, you're right, that wasn't a very bright thing to do," said the teacher, "but this once I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in."

"Oh, but that won't work," said Carol, looking even sadder. "You see, the plane was hijacked..."

[dwmoeller]

For some, becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.

[bluidkiti]

In a rest room at in the Houston Medical Center, a floor supervisor had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "THINK!"
The next day, when he went to the rest room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "THOAP!"

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As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Shucks," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

[bluidkiti]

My husband has always had a beard. One day, he decided to shave it off. He came into the room where my 5-year-old daughter Samantha was and asked her, "Notice anything different?" To which she replied, "No" with a puzzled look on her face. My husband then said to her, "My beard's gone." Now the puzzled look disappeared and the innocent eyes appeared when she said "I didn't take it!" -- Karen and Rich S., N.J.

[bluidkiti]

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied....."I remembered."

[bluidkiti]

Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part.
"I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"Congratulations! That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

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"I have been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips, thanks to my friends and family. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump and I'm not much on physical activity."

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I live across the street from a church.

When my wife's puppy escaped from the backyard, we went looking for it.

She went off in the car, and I started to walk around the church, calling the dog's name.

I didn't think anything of it, until I noticed some strange looks from people walking in the area.

The dog's name is Moses.

[bluidkiti]

My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment. She arrived, and I could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I had my cell phone with me. And now I can't find it!"

I replied, "Aren't you talking on it!?"

There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in - followed by, "You are NOT going to tell anybody about this!"

[bluidkiti]

This guy was walking along the beach one day and ran across a lamp (what a surprise). He picked it up a rubbed it and a genie popped out (ohh, another big surprise). The genie told him he would grant the man three wishes.
"First," the guy began, "I'd like a million dollars."
POOF! A million dollars was suddenly showing on his checkbook balance.
"Second," he continued, "I'd like a new Mercedes."
POOF! A Mercedes appeared right in front of him.
"Third," the guy smirked, "I'd like to be irresistible to women."
POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.

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At the airport check-in counter I overheard a woman ask for window seats for both she and her husband.

The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them for sitting together.

"Sweetie," the woman replied, "I've just spent 10 days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I *know* what I'm requesting!"

[bluidkiti]

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear" she asked.

The little boy replied "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."

[bluidkiti]

Libby said her three year old daughter's restaurant meal came with a sundae. Of course, all daughter knows is "ice cream".

When the waitress asked her daughter, "Would you like your ice cream sundae?", daughter replied instantly, "No, thank you, I want it NOW."