Morning Medicine

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It was Palm Sunday, and Sue's three year old son had to stay home from church because of strep throat. When the family returned home carrying palm branches, he asked what they were for.
His mother explained, "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by."
"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go, Jesus shows up!"

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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."

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Priest's Collar

A priest was invited to attend a house party. Naturally, he was*properly dressed and wearing his priest's collar.

A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally,*the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at.

The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.

When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at,*he asked him, "Do you know why I am wearing that?"

The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, "It kills fleas and*ticks for up to three months."

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Empire State Building

A little boy got on the elevator in the Empire State Building
in New York City. He and his daddy started to the top. The boy
watched the signs flashing as they went by the floors: 10, 20,
30, 40, 50, 60, 70.

They kept going, and he got nervous. He took his daddy's hand
and said, "Daddy, does God know we're coming?"

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Water

A mother was watching her four year-old son playing outside in a small plastic pool half-filled with water. He was happily walking back and forth across the pool, making big splashes.

Suddenly, the little boy stopped, stepped out of the pool, and began to scoop water out of the pool with a pail.

"Why are you pouring the water out, dear?" asked the mother.

"Because my teacher said Jesus walked on water, and this water doesn't work," he replied.

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How Did the Devil Get My Cell Phone Number?

I am not one easily rattled. When I am rattled, look out for anything can happen.

For the most part, I try to stay calm, cool and collected. Then there are times when I have had enough and I am not going to take it anymore.

When I am rattled about something, it is not small or insignificant. I can swat pesky little bugs all of my life and never get rattled by a bug.

Lately, some things have been developing “in my world,” that has me more than a little concern. In fact, it is bordering on the territory of being rattled. Something needs to be done because if I am rattled in this area, look out!

I am not sure, if I am just now noticing it or if it has been here for a while. When I got my cell phone, I was under the impression the only people who would have my cell phone number would be those I gave it to. I am not one to give out my cell phone number to just anybody. If you have my cell phone number, you are in a high-level category of BFFs.

I believe sincerely that the devil has hacked into my cell phone, collected my cell phone number and is selling my number to the most despicable people he owns.

Lately, I have been getting political calls. People trying to interview me concerning the up coming election. They want me to contribute to political polls being evaluated. They want my opinion and they have a whole slew of questions they are going to be asking me.

I know they do not want my opinion because all of these calls are what is called Robo calls. In other words, is not an actual person asking these questions, but rather a machine. If you think for one moment that I am going to carry on a conversation with some machine, you do not have all your wires connected.

How they get my cell phone number, is beyond me. It probably is their close connection with the devil himself.

I have also been getting calls from some company that feels I am in some sort of pain. They call and say I requested on their website this pain solution. Now, what they want to know is it my back pain, or elbow pain, or a knee pain?

I have been so fed up with these calls that I finally said, “I do have a pain in the neck.” To which, I got an excited reply as to how they could help my pain in the neck.

You know what’s coming. I told them that the pain in my neck was them calling me and if they want to help this pain in the neck go away to stop calling me, for Pete’s sake.

I just about had it with this. The question I wrestle with is, should I lie to these people calling me?

For instance. Somebody called me last week telling me they noticed a certain virus on my computer and if I would allow them access to my computer they could fix my computer. Talk about a pain in the neck!

This was about the 15th time this company called me offering to fix my computer. So, I thought if they are going to waste my time by calling me, maybe I should waste their time by trying to get them to fix my computer.

“Oh yes,” I said as excited as I could sound, “please fix my computer for me.”

Now they wanted me to turn my computer on and so forth and so on. I must confess that at the time I wasn’t your my computer I was on my cell phone.

They gave me instructions and I obeyed them, or at least I told him I was obeying him.

“All right,” I said, “My computer is on what I do next?” I will confess to you if you promise not to tell anybody, but I did not have my computer on.

Then they gave me instructions that I was to go to a certain website.

“Okay,” I said, “I’m there, what do I do now?”

They gave me a password I was supposed to use to get access to them so they could get access to my computer.

“Have you done it yet?”

“Yes, I punched it in and what I do next?”

“Something’s wrong,” the person at the other end of the phone said. “You must not have put in the right password. Let me give it to you again.”

He gave it to me again, which in turn I gave it back to him, again.

This went on for about 20 minutes and the person on the other end of my cell phone was getting very frustrated and borderline anger. I, on the other end of the cell phone, could hardly control my laughter.

By the time he hung up, he was very frustrated and could not understand why it was not working.

After this person hung up on me and I quit laughing, I thought of what David said. “Give them according to their deeds, and according to the wickedness of their endeavours: give them after the work of their hands; render to them their desert” (Psalms 28:4).

Sometimes giving back what you get can bring you to a certain level of joy you did not have before.

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Born

A pastor asked his Bible class, "Why was Jesus born in Bethlehem?"

A student replied, "Because his mother was there."

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Did GOD make you?

The little girl was sitting in her grandfather's lap as he read her a goodnight story.

From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up and touch his wrinkled cheek.

By and by, she was alternately stroking her own cheek and then his again. Finally, she spoke "Granddaddy, Did God make you?"

"Yes, Sweetheart," he answered; "God made me, a long time ago."

"Oh," she said. Then, "Granddaddy, did God make me, too?"

"Yes, indeed, Honey," he assured her. "God made you, just a little while ago."

"Oh," she said. Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it now, isn't He?"

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Position To Pray
Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.

"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer.

"Gentlemen," he interrupted, "the best praying I ever did was hanging upside down from a telephone pole."

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"Teacher," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."

"What's that Joey?" asked the Sunday school teacher.

"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"

"Right."

"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Er--right."

"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed the teacher. "So what's your question?"

"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin'?"

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A Picnic Funny

The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.

When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.

"What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said.

"It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain."

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Years ago when my two girls were small, they were taught how to say their blessing before eating their meal. One night as I was busy scurrying around the kitchen, I told them both to stay their blessings without me. I took a moment to watch them as they both squeezed their eyes tightly shut over folded hands. As my 4-year-old finished, her 3-year-old sister kept on praying. Another minute or two passed before she lifted her head, looked at her plate, and in an indignant voice said, "Hey! My peas are still here!"

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Tithes

On one particular Sunday, the pastor was emphasizing the
importance of everyone giving their tithes and offerings.
He went on to challenge the people to give enthusiastically
because 2 Corinthians 9:7 says in it that "God loves a
cheerful giver."

As the plate was passed, a little boy in the second pew,
quickly slipped off his neck tie and placed it into the
offering plate. His mother, absolutely mortified, asked
him what in the world he thought he was doing.

The boy replied, "The pastor said put your ties in the
offering plate and do it joyfully. I love that man!"

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STORIES YOU CAN TELL IN CHURCH
(Email found circulating the Web!)

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
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A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"
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A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

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After the Sunday school teacher told the story of the Prodigal Son to the class, she asked, "Was anyone sorry when the Prodigal Son returned?"

One boy answered, "The fatted calf."