Wisdom Of The Rooms - 2019
 

January 7

Quote of the Week

"Humility is not thinking less about yourself, but rather thinking about yourself less."

I used to look down on people who were humble. They won’t ever get anywhere, I used to think. It’s a dog-eat-dog world, and if I wanted to succeed I had to be aggressive and take the things I wanted. When I combined alcohol with this attitude, my ego exploded, and my thirst for both success and drink was insatiable. Soon I was a pariah, shunned even by some of my closest friends.

In the program, while I was recovering from my disease, I heard a lot about humility. Rather than be open to the concept, my ego rebelled at the thought of it. I can still remember arguing about it with my sponsor. “If I’m humble, I’ll be a nothing. People will take advantage of me, and I’ll never get ahead,” I whined. And that’s when he defined it, according to the program. He told me, “Humility isn’t thinking less about yourself, but rather it’s thinking about yourself less.” That was an aha moment for me.​​​​​​​

The truth beneath this explanation has deepened for me over the years. What I have discovered is that I am much happier, have more freedom, and am more peaceful when I am thinking less about myself. In fact, the more focused on others I become, the more serenity I have. Today, whenever I find that I am anxious or upset, chances are I’m thinking too much about myself. The solution is simple: I seek humility by looking for ways to be of service. When I do, serenity returns to my life.

January 14

Quote of the Week

“We’re responsible for the effort, not the outcome.”

When I got sober, I didn’t know how I was ever going to fix everything in my life. All the relationships I had ruined, all the bridges to jobs and opportunities I had burned, there didn’t seem anyway I could control and manipulate everything back into place. How was I going to get all the people I had stolen from to forgive me? How was I going to get healthy after all the abuse I’d inflicted on myself? How was I going to get my family to trust me again? I didn’t think I could pull it off.

Luckily, my sponsor assured me that I didn’t have to. In fact, he told me I could never be responsible for other people’s attitudes and reactions to me. That wasn’t my job. Instead, he told me my job was to stay sober, clean house, and take the next indicated action. In doing my Ninth Step, he told me I was responsible for admitting my faults, and making sincere amends. Whether or not someone forgave me wasn’t up to me. I was responsible for the effort, not the outcome.
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Learning to let go of outcomes wasn’t easy for me. After a lifetime of trying to arrange life – including your reactions and opinions – to suit myself, simply taking the right actions and leaving the results up to God seemed impossible. But the miracle is that every time I follow God’s will and not my own, wondrous and unexpected outcomes flow into my and other people’s lives. Plus, now that I know I’m not responsible for all the outcomes in the world, I’m free to live a life that can be happy, joyous, and even free.

January 21

This guest post was submitted by Terri V.:

Quote of the Week

“If you want what YOU have, keep doing what YOU'RE doing. If you want what WE have, then do what WE do.”

This resonated with me when I first heard it. Truth was, I didn't want what I had. Constant darkness and doom and gloom. My life (in my eyes) was over. I was simply living to only to exist. Each day was just another horrendous day to endure. I had tried every imaginable method to change the way I was living. Doctors, treatment, spiritual books, church, change jobs, change men etc. The list could go on and on. It was only when I finally became willing, through the gift of surrender, to live another way that things began to change for me.

I heard a speaker at my first meeting share that she was celebrating one year of continuous sobriety and she said before closing... If you want you have, keep doing what you're doing. If you want what we have, then do what we do. I thought: I want what she has. In her story she shared about being genuinely happy, and how she had a relationship with her children, how she was employable etc... I had none of those things at the end.

Today, I am genuinely happy; I have a relationship with my daughter and son (an amazing one at that), I am employable, and I have a host of friends both in and out of the rooms. I also sponsor other women, and I have THE most wonderful relationship with a God I never knew could exist for a girl like me.

Thank you for my sobriety and thank you for my life.

January 28

This guest post was submitted by Jeff H.:

Quote of the Week

"Nothing Changes, if Nothing changes"

Like most slogans or other things people repeated so terribly often when I first arrived into the rooms of A.A., I thought this was meaningless. I came in to the rooms in January 1999 and was certain I was not quite as bad as the rest of you. I bought and read the book, "working" the Steps as I went (well, those that seemed applicable). It was a breeze! I didn't need help from someone else reading the book, thank you very much. Sobriety didn't stick the first time and I attributed this to that pesky second half of Step One. I did not consider my life to be unmanageable. After all, I only came in because my wife had a problem with my drinking!

In July 1999, I began again with a renewed conviction that I was alcoholic AND my life was unmanageable. I still did not find it necessary to get a sponsor for quite a while, but I felt pressured by my fellows to get one, so finally I did. I did not, however, call him or inform him that I had not done the Steps with someone else. My life went on like before, with the exception that I was not drinking. I even took a few commitments here and there and was willing to do Twelve Step work. Strangely, no one approached me to be their sponsor!

Seven years passed and my life spiraled further down to new and more humiliating lows. Finally, I crashed without ever picking up a drink! I was brought to my knees and humbled like never before. It was right then that I became willing to go to any length to change. I got a sponsor, worked the Steps, got into service work, and joined the Fellowship. I soon learned there were only three things I must be; honest, open-minded, and willing. There are also only three things I must do; Unity (fellowship), Service (even beyond the fellowship), and Recovery (living the Steps on a daily basis). I had found the true meaning behind this valuable saying!

February 4

This guest post was submitted by Samantha S.:

Quote of the Week

"This Too Shall Pass."

(This quote is my most favorite and least favorite quote that I have come to appreciate in A.A.)

When I came into the halls, I never realized how appropriate that quote would come to be. I thought that I would just come to A.A. and all would be well. Unfortunately, that is not how it has worked. I am pretty sure we all learn this lesson the hard way...

Before I walked into the halls, my life was disaster and chaos. Most, if not all, of the chaos was of my own making. I wasn't living, I was simply surviving through my existence. Anytime anything good came along or made me happy I would ruin it waiting for the other shoe to drop. Once I made it to A.A., this phrase was repeated with a knowing smile many times during the first few months of my chaos. Goodness, how I wanted to punch anyone and everyone who let this phrase slip from their lips.

A year into my sobriety I was with someone who passed away from an overdose. The pain that caused was immense but as my friends who had become family took care of me, they all kept repeating, "This too shall pass," like it was some magical thing that would make everything better. Little did I realize how true that saying was at the time. The pain did pass, and I threw myself into the program and went through the Steps on more than one occasion. I delved into parts of my past and present that I didn't want to look at. This helped me to recover and, more importantly, helped me to forgive. I forgave my partner, myself, and my Higher Power.

Now, after a few years of ups and downs, chaos and calm, and life being life, I have come to appreciate this phrase. I have come to understand that the bad things will pass in time as long as I continue to do the next right thing. The bad things are needed for this path that I am on and are an important part of my story. I have also come to accept that the good things shall pass too. This makes me hang on to those tender moments like my life depended on it. I no longer fear being happy all the time, I simply try to live in the day and appreciate the moments for all they are.

February 11

Quote of the Week

“Keep Coming Back—To The Same Places”

In the beginning of sobriety and even before finishing the Twelve Steps with my sponsor, I knew I had to pass on what had been so freely given. It took 25 years of drinking and plenty of wreckage, pain and misery to finally come to A.A. and surrender to the solutions offered. So early on, I sponsored a woman from a wonderful recovery home and when she left the recovery home she gradually backed away and eventually disappeared, not returning phone calls. As I was traveling to work one morning, I saw her wandering at the corner of a busy intersection where I could not safely stop or turn around. My heart broke.

It was suggested to me by my sponsor to go to a minimum of so many committed meetings each week and to keep coming back to the same general meetings. In doing so, I found friends and a fellowship grew up around me just as promised. One morning I was at one of my regular meetings and the woman I had tried to help long ago walked in. She tearfully looked at me and said, “I knew you’d be here.” From that day, she and I have continued to work together and she is now sober 15 years.

“Keep coming back” is no joke to recovering alcoholics and miracles can happen if you are committed to the same general meetings. I am undisciplined and desperately need A.A. to continue to show me how to live and to be available to newcomers. Someone was there for me when I needed them, and I need to be there for that “someone” as well. And today, I am.

February 18

This guest post was submitted by Jeannie H.:

Quote of the Week

“Drinking doesn’t enhance the quality of my life.”

I was 23 and newly sober. I was working the program and also seeing an alcohol counselor to whom I’d been referred by probation.

One day I was explaining to him how awkward I feel when I’m out in a social situation where drinking is central to the activity. Everyone my age is drinking and I’m not. I’m offered drinks and I respond that I’d love a soda. Often I got push-back, such as “you want a REAL drink, don’t you?”

I didn’t want to say I was an alcoholic. My counselor said, “try this: just say ‘alcohol doesn’t enhance the quality of my life.” I laughed and said, “ok! I’ll try it!” So I did. People looked at me quizzically, but definitely backed off, letting me off the hook. It was a brilliant response that I still occasionally use today, 40 years later!

February 25

This guest post was submitted by Brian P.:

Quote of the Week

“You Have To Be In It To Win It.”

I came to my first A.A. meeting hoping to learn a few tips on how to
moderate my drinking. After about 20 minutes I realized we were talking
complete abstinence— nothing else. I had tried abstinence many times,
and failed, and yet after that first meeting the compulsive desire to drink
all day and every day just vanished. So I started attending meetings regularly, and amazingly found I had stopped drinking alcohol, just like that.

After 6 months, I decided that A.A. really worked, I was now cured, and I could stop with the meetings. They took up so much time! And I drank again. It was the meetings and the fellowship and the program that were keeping me sober, and yet I gave them up. So I came back, but did the same thing four more times. I acquired five 6-month medallions. After those three years, I understood that addiction is a permanent condition, and needs permanent therapy to be kept at bay. And yet—after another ten years I was cured again, this time for real, I said. Finally, no more need to go to meetings or work the Steps. And I drank again...

Fifteen years after my first meeting I took what I hope was my last drink,
25 years ago. I must have needed 15 years to understand Step One. I now
understand that the meetings and fellowship and the program are not an option, not a quick fix, but a permanent and necessary answer to a permanent disability. I have tried to avoid working the program for the rest of my life but have learned that I have no choice.

March 4

This guest post was submitted by DBH.:

Quote of the Week

“Gratitude: The Happiness Medicine.”

Gratitude is a feeling of grateful contentment that overrides need. Ever notice that when we concentrate on getting something we think we want, we spend a lot of time and energy pursuing that goal to the exclusion of other things? One can believe deeply in God, but lose connection because we don’t listen, instead we willfully strive.

That’s a pretty extreme example of allowing need to supersede what is really important. I struggle to explain gratitude because it is so easy to overlook. It’s more than politely thanking people (although more of that helps everyone) it’s more like a deep-seated balance to realize the good things in every life. It isn’t Pollyanna optimism or blind positivism; it’s a sincere realization that life is rarely as bad as our worry, or as good as our dreams.

Instead, gratitude is realizing all the inexplicably wonderful things we never thought would happen to us as well as those things we didn’t much care for. It is in this balance that we realize how very lucky we really are for all life offers us each and every day.

March 11

This guest post was submitted by Amy:

Quote of the Week

“Don’t leave before the Miracle Happens.”

I hardly knew what this meant when I first came into the rooms in 1987 in Pacific Palisades, CA. What miracles and why would they happen to me? When I saw people leave A.A. and I got to stay, I started to realize that those of us in the rooms were all miracles.

After sticking around for a while, I saw and heard amazing stories that sounded like miracles to me. That’s when I knew they could happen to me too. I started feeling comfortable for the first time in a long time. And I began to live without guilt. That was huge.

Thirty-one years later, I still rely on that quote. I’ve been struggling with moving and where to move and I don’t have clarity yet. After all these years, I feel like I should always know what to do and I really don’t. I’m feeling impatient but I also know that if I can be still, one day I will wake up and know exactly what to do and where to go. That will seem like a miracle to me…

March 18

This guest post was submitted by Joann B:

Quote of the Week

“My Sponsor, My Steps and Me.”

At my first meeting, I thought, what am I doing here? I really don’t belong....everyone seemed so happy, and I sat there filled with fear, anxiety and not a clue who I was. And I wasn’t even sure I really was an alcoholic. But I continued to go to meetings, surrendered my drinking to Higher Power each day, and the desire to drink was lifted. It was not easy, but I tried to do what was suggested... Then a marvelous thing happened—I did not think so at the time—the woman who brought me to the meetings told me, if I wanted, she would help me learn the program and always be available to me (and she was)..of course I said YES...because I did not want to be rude or ungrateful!!!

A few meetings later, she suggested that I look for a sponsor—women with the women—so I told her she would be my sponsor...and for that I am ever grateful. She was always there for me, and I learned trust her and share with her.my fears my anxieties—everything. She gave me suggestions how not to drink a day at a time, apply slogans to my life, make meetings, join a home group, and give service to my home group. What super suggestions and I stayed sober...and then we begin to meet regularly to study, work the Steps, all Twelve—no pick and choosing—they were in order are in order for a reason. I had to learn to apply them to me. What a great gift ... I had a sponsor and began to put the Twelve Steps in my life.

Two things for which I am forever grateful: my sponsor and how to look at myself through the Twelve Steps and apply them to my life. It was not easy but so worth it..

Many years later, I am so grateful to my Higher Power for that sponsor and for helping me learn how to work the program as best I can each day. Through practicing the Twelve Steps, I have changed and grown and thus try to share with others what was so freely given to me. I heard a long time ago a Sponsor is a gift you give to yourself—today I truly believe that, and the Steps are principles by which I live today. Great to be happy, joyous and free... I thank God each day for my sobriety. and that A.A. is my way of living today.

March 25

This guest post was submitted by Jeff H:

Quote of the Week

"Nothing Changes, if Nothing changes"

Like most slogans or other things people repeated so terribly often when I first arrived into the rooms of A.A., I thought this was meaningless. I came in to the rooms in January 1999 and was certain I was not quite as bad as the rest of you. I bought and read the book, "working" the Steps as I went (well, those that seemed applicable). It was a breeze! I didn't need help from someone else reading the book, thank you very much. Sobriety didn't stick the first time and I attributed this to that pesky second half of Step One. I did not consider my life to be unmanageable. After all, I only came in because my wife had a problem with my drinking!

In July 1999, I began again with a renewed conviction that I was alcoholic AND my life was unmanageable. I still did not find it necessary to get a sponsor for quite a while, but I felt pressured by my fellows to get one, so finally I did. I did not, however, call him or inform him that I had not done the Steps with someone else. My life went on like before, with the exception that I was not drinking. I even took a few commitments here and there and was willing to do Twelve Step work. Strangely, no one approached me to be their sponsor!

Seven years passed and my life spiraled further down to new and more humiliating lows. Finally, I crashed without ever picking up a drink! I was brought to my knees and humbled like never before. It was right then that I became willing to go to any length to change. I got a sponsor, worked the Steps, got into service work, and joined the Fellowship. I soon learned there were only three things I must be; honest, open-minded, and willing. There are also only three things I must do; Unity (fellowship), Service (even beyond the fellowship), and Recovery (living the Steps on a daily basis). I had found the true meaning behind this valuable saying!

April 1

This guest post was submitted by Kit G:

Quote of the Week

“When a man or woman has had a spiritual awakening, the most important meaning of it is that he has now become able to do, feel and believe that which he could not do so before on his unaided strength and resources alone. He has been granted a gift…he has been transformed…” --Twelve and Twelve, page 107.

How different my day started today in comparison to yesterday. My husband called me shortly after leaving for work this morning. While walking to the school where he teaches, he looked up and was awed by the setting moon. This from a man who never stops to smell the roses!! “Walk outside,” he says to me, “look toward the pond, the moon is the most beautiful I have ever seen. I just wanted to share that with you.”

My life became lonely and miserable when I lived in a bottle of vodka, no room for the beautiful, the unexpected. Now sober, I take time to pause and open myself to the wonders all around me, I am in awe. My husband gave me that opportunity today.

How, then, can I harbor any doubt that there exists a Power Greater than me? This universe is full of marvelous happenings. By observing the miracles is nature, the imponderable, I get a sense, just barely, of the mystery and majesty of creation and the Force behind it. So, I think this morning my eyes watched the beauty of a harvest moon lighting the western sky just as the sun was beginning to make its appearance in the east. I smelled the scent of pine trees behind my apartment—musty, yet sweet. I could hear the traffic in the distance as the city began to stir to life for another day. I could feel the softness of my dog’s fur as I petted her, watching and listening to all this unfold before me, and tasted that first cup of coffee for the day…savoring it all the more. I am profoundly grateful this day that, with God’s grace, I am sober.

April 8

This guest post was submitted by Yolanda R:

Quote of the Week

“Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.”

I had tried time and time again to get sober. Even getting five years clean time only to relapse again. The Big book states, "rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path..." I took that to mean I could be an exception. So if I do everything they tell me to do and I still get high, I will be that rare exception.

I finally prayed before I got a sponsor. I looked at a woman that was my total opposite. I was afraid she would say no because she had seen me struggle in and out of the rooms for years. I began following her path. I got my books, pen and paper. I bought and used the dictionary to improve my understanding. I did the reading assignments my sponsor gave me. I went to meetings as she suggested, and I made sure I attended meetings with my sponsor. I followed her suggestions thoroughly. I relapsed once, early on, and I called her immediately. She said don't beat up on myself. That was September 3, 2010.

Today, I'm still following her path, still going to meetings with my sponsor. She taught me to work the program like she was taught to work the program. Practice, practice, practice. She's taken me to meetings, area and world conventions. I've gotten input on my recovery from people which influenced her recovery. She is still my sponsor today, and I still call her at least once a week because this program works. I'm grateful the book challenged me. I'm grateful that sponsor that is my total opposite was up to the challenge. Grateful!

April 15

This guest post was submitted by Lillian K:

Quote of the Week

“Just ‘til Bedtime!”

It took me many years to realize that once I took my first drink, I started losing control of my actions. My alcoholic behavior was outlandish from the start. As time went on it became shameful. I was never able to stop drinking after my first drink. It eventually became clear that I had to quit drinking altogether.

A friend who was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous offered to take me to an A.A. meeting. I was warmed by the welcome and friendliness of the members. I became determined to follow the Twelve Step program. I found it difficult, however, to relate to some of the slogans. One Day at a Time still felt like forever and was meaningless to me.

I didn’t believe that it was possible for me to stay sober forever. I shared this with an old-timer and was told to stop worrying because I only had to stay sober till bedtime! So simple and so real! I am now 80 years old and just celebrated my 37th AA birthday. At my age these three words have taken on a richer meaning. I now plan and live my life Just ‘til Bedtime. I keep a positive attitude and I keep God, my Higher Power, in my heart and in my spirit. I can handle life Just ‘til Bedtime!

April 22

This guest post was submitted by Karen H:

Quote of the Week

“Alcohol: Any Lie Can Own His/Her Only Life.”

When I entered my 40’s, I began to enjoy a glass of wine sometimes. As a Christian, I wondered about it, but I never abused it, so I thought it was okay. I had Christian friends who never thought a thing about it. I was always aware of the damage it could cause because I was an A.C.O.A. My brother became an alcoholic, and I watched his life steadily decline. My daughter developed a drinking problem after her 2nd child. She became verbally abusive and eventually cut off all contact with us. My heart was broken. So once again, alcohol became an issue for me because the damage it was repeating in my family.

I began to choose wine more often than God when I was in pain from the broken relationship. I still never felt it was an issue for me. I had wine with girlfriends sometimes too, but after months of this behavior, one day I realized it wasn’t helping me and I wasn’t feeling any better. I saw myself beginning to go for a second glass more often too. So, I decided to eliminate it from my life completely. I didn’t want anyone to feel judged by my decision, so I told my friends it just wasn’t working for me. I shared with a friend who also had a son with a drinking problem and after we talked, she decided to take my same position. Two weeks after our conversation, her son was killed in a car accident from a blood alcohol level 3x the amount of impaired. (.24) She expressed to me that she was glad we had the conversation because she probably would have been drinking wine the night he was killed. It felt like confirmation and it had influenced someone else in a positive way. I know God is my only help and Peace always follows when I choose Him. I have not missed the wine and I don’t want my life to be owned by alcohol or the lie that substances seem to peddle and promise.

I came up with the acronym because anyone can fall for the lie including those of us who thought we were outside the genetic predisposition. I am happy to say that my brother is entering a Christ centered rehab this week. I never felt I could fully confront him, even though I never drank around him. I am still praying for my daughter every single day, and I am hopeful that one day our family will be healed from this.

April 29

This guest post was submitted by Ron R:

Quote of the Week

“I may not be much, but I’m all I think about.”

That was my pattern before and for some time after I came to the program. Nearly all of my actions before the program were a result of putting me first. When things were not going my way, I sought to remedy that by taking actions that I thought would change that. Naturally the fuel for the action was a drink. When things went my way, a celebration was fuel for the celebration. When I could not or would not do for myself, alcohol gave me the power of action.

Then I came to the program to save a marriage. Again, thinking of what I could get out of it. Things went well for a while but eventually the power of the fellowship began to wear off and I became truly powerless. On my knees in surrender, I found the power to stay sober in the program and began to live the Steps, one day at a time. But still, often, my first thoughts were what’s in it for me?

Service became my salvation. By helping others, both in and out of the program, I slowly began to think of others first. As I have matured in the program, what I can contribute is more the norm, and God’s Grace the power fueling my actions. Self has not been eliminated completely though, and I doubt if it ever will. But more and more I think of others first and I think of me less and less.

May 6

This guest post was submitted by Bryan G:

Quote of the Week

“Keep coming back—it works if you work it; So work it cause you’re worth it.”

I initially heard that ritualistic, end-of-meeting statement when I first entered recovery in the ‘90s. I listened to the first part and agreed with it. Sure, I will keep coming back to meetings and work something that I am being told works. My mind was mush, my heart had stopped oozing love and kindness, and I didn’t understand what was happening in and to me. I just knew that I needed help, so I will follow the Steps and see what happens.

I am sure that I also heard the second part of the statement, but I didn’t really listen to it or give it any thought until I returned to recovery in earnest a few years ago. That prompted the natural questions: Am I worth it? How can I be worth it? Why am I spending so much time thinking about the concept that I am worth it when I am not sure that life is worth it? After all, I caused problems, ruined relationships, faced consequences, and doubted humanity since I was struggling with multiple addictions.

Working the Steps, being an active participant instead of a casual attendee at meetings, and staying in regular contact with my accountability partners, all pointed me to God. He told and showed me that I am worth it—if only just for today. I am focused on my recovery through lenses of being a better person, Christian, spouse, parent, child, friend, neighbor, and employee.

Recovery is a lot of work. Working my program is worth it, and so am I.

May 13

Quote of the Week

"Those who piss us off the most are our greatest teachers."

In my pre-recovery days, a lot of people, places, and things really pissed me off. To start with, I resented my family for always trying to tell me what to do (thinly veiled as, “We’re just trying to help you”). Schools, jobs, or any other institution that tried to dictate my behavior also pissed me off. I guess you could say I was kind of angry before I got sober.

When I entered the rooms, there was a whole new set of rules to follow (thinly veiled as suggestions), and I transferred my rebellion and resentment to them. Several months into sobriety, while I was still pretty angry, my sponsor told me something I didn’t get at first, but which is a principle I now live by. He told me that whenever someone or something made me upset, it was always because there was something spiritually unbalanced in me.

What I’ve come to understand today is that whenever I get pissed off, resentful, or upset in any way, I can almost always trace it back to self-centered fear. I’m either afraid I’m going to lose something I have or not get something I think I deserve. When I’m spiritually centered, however, and close to my Higher Power, I realize I already have everything I need, and that this essential completeness can never be taken away. Today, when someone pisses me off, I realize that person is just a teacher, and I begin looking within for what I am afraid of.

May 20

Quote of the Week

"Another big lie: I can do this on my own."

When I entered recovery, it was very hard for me to ask for help. All my life I had been taught not to trust others, and that if I wanted something done right, I had to do it myself. So, when someone suggested I get a sponsor, I didn’t think I’d need his help. The Steps, after all, were clearly laid out. Surely I could follow such easy instructions. For the first few months, I tried to go it alone, not calling any of the phone numbers people gave me, checking in with my “temporary” sponsor only when I saw him at meetings, and so on. Before long, I was isolated and desperate, and I went back out.

When I got sober again, I took my sponsor’s suggestion to get connected and started telling others what I was experiencing. At first it was awkward, and I felt like I was bothering people when I called them. But very quickly something else happened: I felt better. And so did those I reached out to. I also started relying on my sponsor’s guidance more as well, and together we began working the Twelve Steps. Slowly my defenses came down, and gradually I became more open to asking for help.

I must say that even after many years in the program, my first instinct is still to go it alone and figure things out for myself. But I also have a tried-and-true tool as well, which is to ask for help when I need it. What I have found especially helpful is to share a problem I am having in a meeting. Invariably when I do, other people share similar situations and what they did to deal with them. Often, in fact, people come up to me afterward and offer their experience, strength, and hope. This has helped me immeasurably and given me solutions I never would have come up with on my own. Today, I try to avoid the big lie and reach out to others instead.

May 27

Quote of the Week

"Formula for failure: try to please everyone."

I used to drive myself crazy trying to please everyone. In my insane alcoholic home, I learned that if I didn’t make waves, and just agreed with everyone, then maybe for a little while there would be some peace. But it didn’t last long. Soon I would have to change, adapt, and give in again to placate the prevailing mood or attitudes of others. It was exhausting, and in the middle of it all, I lost my sense of self.

In working the Twelve Steps, I discovered something else: I had a lot of resentments. I used to consider myself an easygoing guy, but what I learned by doing a Fourth Step inventory was that by acquiescing to others by trying to please them, I was untrue not only to myself but to others as well. By looking at my part in the fourth column, I realized that if I was to be happy and free, it was up to me to change.

Changing the way I interacted with others, especially with my family, was very uncomfortable for a long time. Suddenly, I was no longer the pushover, and when I disagreed or refused to go along with their ideas, I suffered their wrath. But at least I didn’t hate myself or hold the familiar resentments anymore. After years of being true to myself, I’ve healed my relationship to myself and to others. Today, I have successful relationships because I am no longer trying to please everyone.

June 3

Quote of the Week

"Instead of telling God how big your fears are, start telling your fears how big your God is."

I never knew how much fear ruled my life before I entered recovery. After writing many inventories while working the Steps, my sponsor had me write a fear inventory. I found that I was afraid of not only other people but places and things as well. As these fears boiled up inside me—fear of disease, of the IRS, of the police, of my boss, and so on—I began to understand part of the reason I drank so much. But now that I was sober, what was I to do with all these fears?

As I worked my way through Steps Six and Seven, my sponsor helped me see that fear was a character defect. Most of my fears, he pointed out, were based on self and driven by my demand to either get my way or not lose what I had. The way out of my fear was to stop thinking about myself and what I could get, and instead turn my will and my life over to my Higher Power. Constantly ask yourself, he advised, “What is God’s will for me here?”

It was hard to let go of my will, my old ideas, and my self-centered fear. But with constant practice, a sincere desire to be free of fear, and faith in my Higher Power, I began to outgrow fear. In those situations where fear begins to take over today, I stop and ask what God would want for me and others. “How can I best serve thee?” is my constant mantra. When I start telling my fear how big my God is, I am thinking of Him and not my fears. At that point, I begin to overcome fear, and I am free to be of service to others. And when I’m into you, and into God, I am out of myself and fear.

June 10

Quote of the Week

"We go to meetings for relief; we work the Steps for recovery."

It happens every time: I always feel better after a meeting. Regardless of what’s going on or what my mood is, after a meeting I always feel more centered, more connected, and more at peace. The only problem is that this relief doesn’t last very long. Once I’m back in the world or in my routine, the effects of the meeting wear off, and I often find myself irritable, restless, or discontented.

I was taught a long time ago that meetings were an important part of my program, but they wouldn’t give me the recovery I needed. Only the Twelve Steps would do that. Working the Steps causes the needed transformation of my personality, which leads to a spiritual experience. And it is this spiritual experience that results in the miracle of recovery.

Even though I have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state, I am reminded that I still have a disease. This is where meetings help me. When I become anxious or uncomfortable, I know that my regular meeting schedule provides the relief and the reminders I need. But I also know that I must keep working the Twelve Steps of the program to experience the recovery that saves my life.

June 17

Quote of the Week

"We weaken what we exaggerate."

I have a habit of exaggerating things to make sure you get the full impact of what I’m trying to say. This was especially bad when I was drinking excessively. On and on I would go, embellishing as I did, on how bad my financial prospects were, or on how badly I had been treated by [fill in the blank]. I would exaggerate everything because I was sure you weren’t listening or that you didn’t really care anymore. And after years of my lying, making things up, and exaggerating, who could blame you?

When I put down the bottle and entered recovery, I continued to exaggerate and elaborate on the stories of what had been done to me. “You just don’t understand,” I would often begin. “But my case is different,” was a frequent reply. After a while, my sponsor had me inventory my experiences, concentrating my attention on the invisible fourth column: “my part.” As I did, I found that the exaggerated role I had been assigning to others was actually more my responsibility. And as I got honest and began owning my side of the street in things, I found less need to exaggerate my experiences. People began listening to and trusting me again.

These days, as my wife frequently reminds me, I am still inclined to exaggerate to emphasize how people, places, and things still don’t go my way. But I’ve learned something very valuable: when I stay focused on my part and relate my experience honestly and sincerely, I no longer have to weaken my story by exaggerating (much). Today, there is less drama in my life because I no longer try to minimize my role in how my life turns out. And there is no reason to exaggerate, and thereby weaken, my stories to feel okay.

June 24

Quote of the Week

"God can’t give you anything new until you let go of the old."

I hate change. For some reason I’m convinced that things will get worse if they change, and even if things aren’t so good now, I’d rather they stay the same than risk a change. I was told when I came into the program that I would only have to change one thing, and I was relieved to hear that. But then they told me that one thing was everything! I quickly realized that the first thing I needed to change was my attitude about change.

A good friend of mine in the program has a different view on change. She says that you can’t know what you don’t know. “How many times do things get better after they change?” she asked me. When I thought about this and looked at my experience, I found that they almost always get better. “Then why not look at change as a chance for improvement and turn the results over to your Higher Power?” she suggested.

The more I follow my friend’s advice, the easier it is for me to handle change. A couple of days ago my wireless router went out, and it felt like the end of the world. After I calmed down, it occurred to me that I might get a more powerful router and actually have improved wireless coverage in my home. Now that was a change! These days when things change, I ask myself how they have improved or how I can make them better. Once I put my focus here, I find it’s easier to let go and even look forward to change. What I’ve learned is that God can’t give me anything new until I let go of the old.

July 1

Quote of the Week

"I could drink, or I could do everything else."

By the end of my drinking, my world had become very small. I lost my job, again, but this time I didn’t get a new one. Most of my friends and family didn’t want to hang out with me much because I was usually drunk, or well on my way there. I had long ago abandoned my hobbies like photography and reading; they tended to get in the way of my drinking. In the end, I was alone on my couch with my booze.

I’ll never forget my first meeting—on a Tuesday night in Westwood, California. It was a large, hip speaker meeting at a church. There were probably a couple of hundred people there, and it was like I had arrived at a concert. People were talking, laughing, racing in and out of the room at the break. Wow! For a brief instant I felt part of the human race again. Later, after I had joined the program, I learned that the path back to life was through the Twelve Steps, and I committed to taking them.

As I got sober, my life did open up. There were lots of meetings, sober parties, fellowship, and more. I got a job again, learned how to be of service, and started sponsoring others. In sobriety I’ve traveled the world, gotten married, started businesses, written and published books. And each morning I greet the new day with joy and optimism. These days whenever I think of a drink, I think of everything else I would have to give up. Nothing, especially a drink, is worth all I’ve been blessed with in recovery.

July 8

Quote of the Week

"Advice that is not asked for is criticism."

I have someone in my life who, after asking me how I’m doing and I begin to tell her, immediately starts telling me the things I need to change or start doing. Until this quote, I didn’t realize that the reason her unasked-for advice made me feel so bad was that it was thinly veiled criticism of the way I was living my life.

Thank God the program doesn’t work that way. If people in the program, or my sponsor, started giving me unsolicited advice or telling me what to do, I would have left long ago. Instead, people give me suggestions (when I ask for them) based on their own experience. If they had a similar situation as mine and they did something that worked for them, then they may suggest that it might work for me as well. It’s up to me at that point to try it or not.

Because of the program, I have learned to apply this wisdom in my other relationships also. In fact, people now call me a good listener, and it’s because I know that all that people really want is to be heard and understood. If asked, the best I can do is share my experience with a similar situation—if I have it. Otherwise, it’s best to just listen, empathize, and help them process their experience. That’s always better than giving advice that’s not asked for.

July 15

Quote of the Week

"Have you prayed about it as much as you’ve talked about it."

This quote could easily have said “thought” or “worried” about it as much as “talked” about it. That’s because before recovery, that’s all I did with my problems. Around and around I’d go, rehashing problems, painting the same unworkable scenarios, and obsessing myself into depression. And if others were around, I’d drag them down with me. Because I didn’t have a Higher Power in my life, there was never the thought of turning it over. Instead, it was just me and my problems—or worse—my solutions to my problems!

When I entered recovery, I was taught that I no longer had to be alone. First, I discovered a fellowship of other alcoholics who had overcome the same problems I had, and they offered suggestions and solutions that had worked for them. Next, I was introduced to the Twelve Steps, which offered a way out of my old self and my old thinking. Finally, I found my Higher Power, and through much practice I came to believe that He could do for me what I couldn’t do for myself. Once I made a decision to turn my will and life over to God, my life changed.

Through prayer and meditation, I have learned how to strengthen my conscious contact with God, and I have been given the gift of a transformed life and way of living. Today, I know that I am no longer alone, and that I no longer have to carry a burden or problem by myself. My Higher Power is always there and ready to help if I am willing to turn my will and life over to Him. Today, when I find myself talking or thinking or worrying too much, I remember to start praying. The right solutions always come when I do.

July 22

Quote of the Week

"Discomfort is required for change."

I don’t like to be uncomfortable, and for a long time I drank a lot to avoid feeling that way. When I had stress at work, I’d drink as soon as I got off. When relationships got complicated, I drank before, during, and after interactions. After a while, my solution—drinking—made my life unmanageable, so I drank even more. Finally, when I was forced to admit my solution was no longer working, I grew so unhappy that I was willing to change. And that’s when I entered recovery.

Once in the program, I was very uncomfortable again. I wasn’t familiar with how meetings went, didn’t know anyone, and the feelings that were bubbling to the surface made staying sober nearly impossible. Plus, my sponsor was suggesting many actions that made me even more uncomfortable, like sitting in the front of the room. He said, “Sit up front in recovery row, instead of at the back in denial aisle.” He also suggested I take commitments, go out to fellowship, and write a First Step inventory. What had I gotten myself into?

Because I couldn’t imagine a life of drinking anymore, I was willing to follow his direction. As I did, something magical happened: I began to feel better. I soon learned that feeling uncomfortable doesn’t last, as long as I’m willing to take action. I also learned that I wouldn’t be willing to take the actions unless I was motivated by discomfort. In this way, I have come to see anxious feelings, negative thoughts, and old fears as merely signals that change is needed. I honor these feelings today and get into action to make the changes required for my life to get better.

July 29

Quote of the Week

"I don’t like things changing without my permission."

I used to spend a lot of time and energy trying to arrange life to suit myself. I would lie in bed at night planning not only my every move, but yours, too. I even used to think I could manipulate places and things, and I burned up a lot of energy foolishly trying to bend life to my will. Then I would wake up and things would change, so I started all over again trying to twist the changes to my suit my will. I was exhausted when I entered the rooms.

Once I had attended my first week of meetings, I started planning how my recovery would go. I lay awake at night thinking about where I would sit at meetings, who would sit next to me, what I would share, and more. I planned out the first year of my sobriety, including the new job I would get, the perfect sober woman I would marry, and the circuit speaking I was sure they were going to ask me to do. But then I woke up and found that the meeting location had changed, and my sponsor told me no relationships in the first year, and that I should hold off on changing jobs until I had more time in the program. I started feeling exhausted again.

That’s when he told me I might want to “let go and let God.” My sponsor suggested that I begin taking my life one day at a time, and that I begin asking for God’s will instead of trying to have things my own way. He told me I would be much more open to the changes that constantly happen in all our lives once I turned things over. It took a lot of practice, but when I started going with the flow and welcoming change, that’s when I began seeing the miracles and opportunities that come with it.

August 5

Quote of the Week

"The answer is not in the problem; the answer is in the solution."

Before recovery, I lived in the problem. If things weren’t going right, or if something went wrong, that’s all I thought about. I would dwell on it, talk to my friends about it, and think about all the ways it could get worse. It was as if I was addicted to the dark outcomes of my problems. Soon I couldn’t see—and didn’t even want—a way out.

Once I began working the Steps and seeking outside help, I became aware of my negative thinking and I learned the way out. My therapist taught me that I couldn’t solve my problems using the same mind that created them. She told me that I had to source deeper and turn to my Higher Power. And sure enough, as soon as I stopped thinking about the problem and started thinking about God, the solutions began to appear.

Today, I live in the solution much more than in the problem. Even though I can occasionally still go to the dark side, my program, my sponsor, and my friends in the fellowship are all focused on finding solutions. When I turn to them, they are quick to help me find the answers I need. I am also quick to rely on my Higher Power, asking many times each day for inspiration and a new perspective. Today, I know the answer is not in the problem; the answer is in the solution.

August 12

Quote of the Week

"The way to make a mountain out of a mole hill is to add dirt."

It used to be that anything that went wrong—or didn’t go my way—easily became an impending disaster. Toothache? Must be a root canal. Boss not smiling? Probably going to get fired. Left to myself, my incessant negative thinking was quick to add dirt to any mole hill until the mountain of imaginary evidence overwhelmed me.

When I entered recovery, my sponsor was quick to point out a few tools I might find useful for my distorted thinking. The first was, “One day at a time.” He asked me, “You’re not having a root canal, and you aren’t being fired today, are you?” “No,” I grudgingly replied. “Then take it easy,” he suggested. Next, he taught me, “Take the next indicated action.” Calling my dentist was a manageable action, whereas worrying endlessly about an imagined root canal wasn’t. Using these and other tools of recovery helped restore me to sanity.

Today, I’m quick to recognize a mole hill when one comes up, and I have the tools to keep it from becoming a mountain. My three favorites are to remember that (1) there is a solution, (2) whatever is happening is temporary, and (3) God is in charge. By focusing on God, and not the problem, I get to experience serenity while the situation sorts itself out—as it always does. And by not adding dirt to the mole hill, I avoid the imaginary mountain that used to make my life unmanageable.

August 19

Quote of the Week

"A.A. is the only place I can hang out with sick people and get better."

I remember sitting in meetings in early recovery and hearing speakers share some of the most appalling stories. There were stories of robberies, prison, infidelity, and other assorted and demoralizing activities. What was as surprising to me as the stories was the reaction by the people in the meetings. Rather than be scared of, repulsed by, or even indignant over these stories so openly shared, they actually laughed and nodded their heads in understanding. What’s wrong with these people? I thought.

When I shared with my sponsor about how I didn’t understand how people could share such embarrassing and private things so openly, he told me that’s how we get better. He said we have all done stupid, selfish, and sometimes utterly incomprehensible things when we were drinking. This was part of the sickness of alcoholism. He told me that the way we recover is to share with one another these shameful secrets, and in this way, they lose their power over us. He said as long as we aren’t doing these things any longer, then they remain old behavior, and the Twelve Steps teach us how to get better.

Listening to the sick things people did while in their disease gave me the courage to look at and admit my own dark secrets as well. Suddenly I realized that I wasn’t a bad person after all. Rather, I had just done bad things when immersed in my disease. By hanging out with other people who had the same sickness of alcoholism as I had, I was able to draw on their experience, strength, and hope to recover. It was then that I understood why A.A. is the only place I can hang out with sick people and get better.

August 26

Quote of the Week

"You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be."

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been unhappy where I was and wished I was somewhere else. In school I always wanted to be in the next grade; at work I wanted a more senior position making more money; when I bought my first home, I quickly wanted one with a pool. When I entered recovery, I brought this same impatience and discontent into the rooms with me.

I remember complaining to my sponsor after a few months that things hadn’t gotten better, and that I even felt worse. He listened patiently and then said, “You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be.” This didn’t make any sense to me, and as my life continued to unravel and as I grew more frustrated, irritated, and angry, I kept complaining. His answer remained the same, and it took years before I finally understood what he meant.

One of the most important things I’ve learned in recovery is that accepting where I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually is the necessary key to changing it. Once I stop resenting how things are or wishing they were different, I can begin working with God to make them better. But it all begins with acceptance of where I am right now. Today, I know that I’m exactly where I should be, and because of this, I know how to make it better.

September 2

Quote of the Week

"It’s not going to get easier, but it’s going to get better."

When I got sober, I thought my life would get easier. I mean, I wasn’t drinking to blackout any longer, and now that I was sober, everyone should be happy for me. I even thought I deserved some kind of an award. I was sure my money troubles would disappear, my health would get better, and all the people I hurt would forgive me and life would get back to normal. None of that happened right away.

In early sobriety, the only thing that changed was that I wasn’t getting loaded any longer. I still had all the same problems as before, and in addition, I was now also racked with feelings: feelings of remorse, resentment, fear, anger, and more. And as I struggled to work the Steps, things actually got worse as I lost job after job, found I was unfit for most relationships, and was in constant fear. I didn’t think recovery was for me.

I told my sponsor that if this was what sobriety was like, I’d rather start drinking again. He told me this was what getting sober was like, but it wasn’t what being sober was like. He said if this was how we were going to feel all the time, then none of us would have remained in recovery. Each year, my life did get better and better. Even though it wasn’t easy in the beginning, I found that overall, I had discovered the easier, softer way. Today, I can’t imagine not being sober and living in recovery.

September 9

Quote of the Week

"My sanity today is directly proportional to my honesty."

In the old days, it was hard to keep my story straight. As my drinking increased, my omissions turned into half-truths, and these turned into little white lies. After a while, I couldn’t recognize the truth anymore. As I became disconnected from people and myself, my very reality changed and my sanity disappeared. After living in this dark abyss, I finally surrendered and entered the program.

As I began to get sober, I started in on the overwhelming task of unraveling the massive knot of lies, stories, and deceptive behavior I had engaged in. I felt shame, anger, and remorse as I painfully made my way back to my true self, which had been buried beneath the disease of alcoholism. I used the tools of “uncover, discover, and discard,” and after many inventories, I finally saw the light ahead.

The road back to sanity began with the words “rigorous honesty.” Although seemingly straightforward, the challenge I had was in coming to believe that, of myself, I was enough—that if I spoke my truth, I would be accepted. The miracle is that the truth really did set me free, and the more honest I was, the more peaceful and serene I became. Today, if I’m feeling uncomfortable, I look to where my honesty may be lacking. As soon as I become genuine again, my sanity is restored.

September 16

Quote of the Week

"I’m in the action business, and God is in the results business."

I was at my local coffee shop last week, and I ran into a friend who is in the program. He asked me how I was doing, and I told him how overwhelmed and scared I felt about some upcoming medical tests. He reminded me that there are some things I can control, and some things I can’t. As soon as he said this, I felt a great relief because I realized immediately that I had been trying to control everything again.

Before recovery, that is how I lived my life. I planned everything, took massive action, and then I tried to control all the results. It was exhausting living that way, but without a Higher Power in my life, I didn’t dare let go of anything. What a gift (and relief!) it was to learn that my real role in life is to just suit up and show up, and then let God take care of the results.

As we kept talking, he reminded me that all I had to do was take the next indicated action, and then turn it over. When I looked at it this way, I was comforted because I knew I could control setting the next appointment, or taking the next test, and as I released the results I released the tension and worry as well. What a gift it is to live this way, and when I worry these days, I remind myself that I am in the action business, and God is in the results business.

September 23

Quote of the Week

"We are responsible for the effort, not the outcome."

When I entered sobriety, I didn’t know how I was ever going to fix everything in my life. All the relationships I had ruined, all the bridges to jobs and opportunities I had burned—there didn’t seem any way I could control and manipulate everything back into place. How was I going to get all the people I had stolen from to forgive me? How was I going to get healthy after all the abuse I’d inflicted on myself? How was I going to get my family to trust me again? I didn’t think I could pull it off.

Luckily, my sponsor assured me that I didn’t have to. In fact, he told me I could never be responsible for other people’s attitudes and reactions to me. That wasn’t my job. Instead, he told me my job was to stay sober, clean house, and take the next indicated action. In doing my Ninth Step, he told me I was responsible for admitting my faults and making sincere amends. Whether someone forgave me or not wasn’t up to me. I was responsible for the effort, not the outcome.

Learning to let go of outcomes wasn’t easy for me. After a lifetime of trying to arrange life—including other’s reactions and opinions—to suit myself, simply taking the right actions and leaving the results up to God seemed impossible. But the miracle is that every time I follow God’s will and not my own, wondrous and unexpected outcomes flow into my and other people’s lives. Plus, now that I know I’m not responsible for all the outcomes in the world, I’m able to live a life that can be happy, joyous, and even free.

September 30

Quote of the Week

"Easy does it, but do it."

I was quite a procrastinator before recovery. I had a lot of good ideas, but I didn’t want to act on them until I had thought things through and the time was right. For example, I wanted to go back to college, but I thought I should have my house paid off first. I wanted to get married but thought I should actually have a better career first. Regarding drinking, I thought I would be able to stop once I had that good job that allowed me to get a better house, a wife, go to school, and so on. I didn’t get much done.

In sobriety, there seemed like a lot of things I could do. I could get commitments, get a sponsor, work the Steps, and, oh yeah, stay sober. When I saw the saying on the wall that said, “Easy does it,” I relaxed and thought I’d just keep thinking about it all. And that’s when my new sponsor told me there is a chapter in the Big Book called “Into Action,” not “Into Thinking.” He suggested I get busy.

I’m so thankful he directed me to jump in and become part of the program. He told me I should take contrary action if I didn’t feel like taking action, and that if I brought the body, the mind would follow. He told me that “Easy does it” refers to my tendency to obsess and overdo things, and that the “But do it” part refers to overcoming my resistance to change. I learned that I can’t think myself sober—or into any of the things I want in life—but if I take action, I can live the life of my dreams.

October 7

Quote of the Week

"When all the little things really bug me, it’s because there’s a big thing I’m not facing."

Irritable, restless, and discontent—that is my normal state as an alcoholic. Going to meetings, working the Steps, and praying and relying on my Higher Power are the ways I get restored to sanity. By doing so, I actually achieve some peace and serenity. But even when I am in a calm space, if little things still bother me, I now know to look beyond my alcoholism.

It’s amazing how my first instinct these days, even with considerable time in the program, is to deny or ignore things that are uncomfortable in my life. It’s been my experience that not facing what at first appears to be no big deal often turns it into one and quickly makes my life unmanageable. And the first warning I’ve done this is when all the little things (stuck in traffic, misplacing my keys, a line at the market) start to really bother me.

Today, I’ve learned to acknowledge these things and recognize them for what they are: indications that there is something bigger that I’m not facing. As soon as I take the time to look at what’s really going on, I immediately begin to feel better. And once I begin to apply the tools I’ve been given in this program to deal with whatever is going on, I find that it really isn’t such a big deal after all. Today, I use the little things to help me become aware of and to deal with the big things.